Night Teeth: Review- Netflix is a platform that just manages to make films way more accessible to people. Also, it ensures that such films get a vast budget to appear better than what they would have been had they just been made for TV releases. That’s exactly what Night Teeth should be. A made-for-TV release. There’s nothing memorable in this film to help it stand out and make the audience sink their teeth into it and remember it. The gore scenes, too, are just forgettable with nothing etching itself in my mind. Night Teeth follows the pattern with nothing managing to catch the audience by surprise, unless, of course, you haven’t seen a film before. Dialogues such as “drink responsibly” in the context of this film could also be a turn-off. 

Starring Jorge Lendeborg Jr, Debby Ryan, Lucie Fry, Alfie Allen, Raul Castillo, and Megan Fox, Night Teeth, focuses on Benny, an economics undergraduate who moonlights as a chauffeur for one night only. What seemingly is a gig to ferry socialites all around the City of Angels turns out to be something much more unbelievably outrageous. The title Night Teeth and our knowledge of the film’s trailer will give you an indication as to who (what) his passengers are.

Whilst watching Night Teeth, I was reminded of The Godfather (sincere apologies to Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola for taking their iconic piece of art and comparing it to this abominable Netflix offering) as this film focused on five vampire bosses like how The Godfather focused on five crime families who handle business. 

Night Teeth is not a vampire war that uses humans as collateral. It focuses on the greed of one individual, who wants to rise and make the City of Angels one big and juicy neck. In doing so, he endangers his clan, based on some sort of vampire mythology, the explanation to which is provided only at the start in a few minutes. 

The film received attention because of Megan Fox. If you are watching this for Fox, avoid it as her role isn’t rather meaty. Perhaps the casting directors opted to get her in to provoke audiences to despise Alfie Allen. And that’s quite easy if one flashes back to the early part of the previous decade before he went through his ‘Reek’ character arc in Game of Thrones.  

As the big bad, Allen is a suave, smooth-talking, and fully in control vampire. His henchwomen Blaire and Zoe, played by Debby Ryan and Lucy Fry, come across as stiff. Their scenes don’t really convey that as they manage to kick ass quite well. Fry is rather forgettable as we don’t get a backstory. It is tough to connect to such a character. 

Meanwhile, Blaire comes across as the more humane character as the film progresses. Despite being the second fiddle in the scheme of things, she is more of the lead. 

Castillo, as the protective elder brother, nails his role. The disappointment and shock on his face, once he sees Benny with Blaire and Zoe, is one moment of good acting that will stick with you. Literally the only one. 

Donna Maloney’s costumes in the scene where Megan Fox features are a highlight as those are actually regal and ravishing to look at. Drum & Lace + Ian Hultquist’s beats match the vibe that Night Teeth sets out to create. 

I was quite disappointed that Brent Dillon’s writing did not shed light on why Zoe and Blaire were the chosen ones. What made them so special that they single-handedly tore through so many vampires? Also, director Adam Randall’s decision to use slow motions completely ruins the film and makes a mockery of the archers from an organization who, per the lore of the film, seem to be experts at using crossbows. The fact that they couldn’t land a single arrow despite the target hanging out of the window is a creative decision that is stupid. 

This film is just plain odd. At various points, it felt as though the leads of a band were making their way from the back for a music video and would burst into song. Maybe a song would have helped this film? I don’t know. What would you have said about vampires bursting into song on the streets of Los Angeles? Maybe there would have been criticism that this Netflix Original was longer than necessary? It already was as certain Benny and Blaire conversations may have felt dragged. 

Forgettable acting performances, predictable progressions, downright dumb moments, and the fact that Night Teeth just does exactly what it accused humans of doing in pop culture makes this film a must avoid. Stay far away from this vampire tale in the City of Angels if you want to sink your teeth into something meaningful.  

2 star